© Evan Woods 2025
Reported by our agent Dr Chihuahua who was allowed to interview Miss X, a year after she had been enrolled in a clinic for the emotionally confused in North Korea, but only as a result of his many bribes. Only the truth has been changed to protect the lies.
“I don’t know why you said ‘and’. It’s just ‘stupid rich’, there’s no ‘and’ in the middle. I’m important, not like all you lowers. Ugh.
”Daddy’s got absolutely pots and pots of money. I’m his little girl and he lets me play with it however I like. I’ll give you an example, I bet you lowers enjoy all the sorrrdid little details.
“Daddy let me go to one of those music concert doodahs with my bestie Bunnsy, you know, sometimes I like playing at being ‘in the thing’ that the scruffy lowers seem to enjoy. Of course I always have a private box surrounded by daddy’s downbelows so that I won’t be bothered by the awful lowers. Anyway I got this dreadful whistling en terrible in one of my ears. Daddy sent me to my doctor (I see him a lot) who said it’s tiny-tuss and my ‘cock-li-uh’ was stunned and only time would tell if it was to get better but I really couldn’t live with it. Ugh. Daddy couldn’t stand watching me wiggling my finger in my ear all day, so he had this brrrrrilliant idea to send his most loyal downbelow out to find a solution for me. I don’t know what papa thought he could do that the doctor couldn’t, but he does have a tendency to go overboard on some things. Such as the lowers. The downbelow said he’d find someone willing to help with my cock-li-uh “nessun problema”. I think he’s from Germanity or something.
“Ever since he inherited his business from uncle Benny who went away one day, something like import or export, don’t know really, daddy’s downbelows have been with him all that time and are all very loyal. They are much better than the dirty lowers because I’m daddy’s little treasure and unless papa says not to, which is not very often at all, they do what I want. Sometimes that’s quite nice.
“When I mentioned the cock-li-uh business to my besty Bunnsy in our bedtime call I think she misheard me and tried telling me about cock, but it sounded disgusting and I do believe she might have been talking about something else. Ugh. Anyway, I struggled out of my bed silks and went to the top of the staircase when our roving downbelow returned noisily during the night towing a giggly wide-eyed thing sporting a new clothing fashion of brown crusty disintegration. As it passed through the great hall I could see it was also rather oily and OMG the stench! It was like a pigpen, I remember that smell from one day when I was a ickle child I sneaked out to the high paddock to watch daddy entertaining some of his friends by allowing a lower to play with his pigs which always seemed to be hungry. Papa said that’s how he kept his pigs happy. Ugh. Anyway, I don’t know how long a mile is, only the downbelows and lowers know what miles are (I don’t need to know), but I’m sure the smell would have reached me from miles away. This imp must have been the lowest of the lowers.
“I watched through the window in the kitchen door as daddy gave his most faithful downbelow a bonus of lots of the jolly old folding – he is SOOO generous, everybody simply loves him – the downbelow said something to the imp about giving her a thirst quenching drink flavoured like cassava, whatever that is. A minute later the poor smelly thing went all dizzy, jerking and panting hard like I do when I… well anyway, its skin went cherry red which was a good match with the crusty brown clothes, its head flopped on the table in a greasy splat and it was obvious the imp had popped orf. The poor thing must have been terribly ill. Ugh.
“Sometimes, rarely, I feel a little bit sorry for the lowers because normally they spend absolutely yonks popping orf don’t they? Dying must be so absolutely tragical for them, unless it’s really, really quick like with this imp. Those who die in this mansion are so lucky, like nanny died quickly in an accident after she and daddy had a loud conversation in the nursery when I was tiny. Around the same time, daddy says, mummy fell down the stairs and died quickly. It’s so much more dignified than spending years getting more and more rancid.
“Our downbelow dragged the body into the big freezer then daddy summoned his surgeon friend to the mansion. This surgeon had helped some of daddy’s old friends in the past who looked so amazing after they got back from Brazil, you’d think they were different people altogether. Daddy explained about the cock-li-uh donor and got all shouty when the surgeon said it was impossible! Papa is so sweet, defending my needs to others. The surgeon said the cock-li-uh is deep inside the ear with nerve blah-blah to the brain blah-blah and no such transplant procedure exists. He said the best that he or anyone could do is a cock-li-uh implant attached to a widdgy hearing aid behind my ear. I didn’t want that! I could never even face my mirror ever again with a widdgy on my ear, I’d just absolutely die! I wouldn’t be perfect anymore!
“Daddy calmed down a bit once he understood and opened the freezer door to show the surgeon the stiffy. I stayed on the other side of the kitchen door because who knew how long its smell would linger? Ugh. Also, I didn’t want daddy to know I’d been lurking. I saw the surgeon’s shoulders droop and he slapped his hands on his face and I just about heard him say he couldn’t use any of it. I’m not sure what he meant. Daddy said his pigs were on a diet and offered some pocket money to take it away which seemed to cheer the surgeon up and he asked the downbelow to get chopping for the bin bags to take the parts away in. I’m daddy’s little girl so I only touch Hermès bags, but I suppose surgeons have to touch all kinds of old bags.
“It looked like the bin bags were going to be taken through the mansion so I ran off back up the staircase to avoid that smell. I’m sure all the lowers smell like that, I can’t imagine how they can stand scrunching together like they do. Ugh.
“The downbelow helped the surgeon take the bags out to his car and he drove away. The surgeon I mean. The downbelow and papa met in the entrance hall, both looked up and saw me on the first landing, whispered to each other, nodding, then daddy told me to go back to bed and he’d order me some new clothes. He really is the very best.
“The next morning I got up early and kissed my reflection in the mirror because the tiny-tuss had gone away! I was so happy, I was daddy’s perfect little girl again and going to get a new outfit! I told daddy that my ear was lovely again but he looked at me all serious and asked me if I knew the trouble he’d gone to. Of course, I had no idea so I told him I didn’t know where he’d gone. He called his downbelow and told me to go back to bed. I overheard him tell the downbelow he was changing my clothes order, for something better I bet!
“But I didn’t go straight back to bed, I snuggled down on the landing and listened because sometimes their chats are very funny, about now naughty some of the lowers have been and the silly things they do. This time daddy’s downbelow was furious, I heard him telling Poppa that I was a liability because of the risks he was always taking for me. Taking risks for me, he’s so sweeeeet! But somehow it felt wrong, such a shame because he was my absolute favourrrrite downbelow and I could tell it was the wrong sort of furious, not the sort of furious that gives me the jerks when daddy tells him to make me happy. Oh, when I tell that to Bunnsy, she thinks daddy might have meant something different but really, I stop listening to her sometimes. She says too many words and I think she makes some of them up. Ugh.
“Anyway, daddy told the downbelow about the new outfit he was preparing for me and how it would keep me safe until I reached someone called Dr Kwak in somewhere called NK, thousands of those miles thingies away! Daddy is always looking out for me, having new clothes made for me so I always look my best when the teacher visits or I have to go somewhere, like my usual outings to the doctor, but this sounded like a terrrrribly long way. This time it must be… a holiday? My first ever real holiday abroad, I’m going a long, long way away, such fuuuun! I wondered about being sent to a different doctor but then poppa does have a lot friends who specialise in surgery, although some of them do talk in a horridly lower way using words like slit and slash.
“I snucked back to my room all excited, though not in my usual way, to ring Bunnsy and tell her about my trip. She said something didn’t seem right about it but I believe she was just jealous. She didn’t know what NK was either. Then I slept all day because I can.
“When my new suit arrived it turned out to be a shiny tight figure-hugging onsey in black with a hood that completely covered my face and a zipper all the way from top to tootsies. It was very cosy! Daddy said it was to hide me from people who would faint at the sight of my prettiness, I suppose he meant the lowers. I am sooo lucky to be so pretty, prettier even than Bunnsy!
“Daddy said that as the trip was supposed to be a surprise I still had to play along and not peek out until Dr Kwak released me. He gave me something to drink which tasted funny then zipped me up to my little nose and kissed me on the forehead and said nothing hurts his little girl and that’s why he was sending me away to a shelter, he’s the sweetest man, then he zipped up over my eyes and head. I felt my favourite downbelow carrying me (I knew it was him, he’s always careful to never bruise me) then there was this zoomy time that I don’t remember, I think I must have been asleep the whole time.
“When I woke up my onesy was being unzipped and the most beautiful face I could imagine, slanty eyes, dinky nose, was looking at me. He said Kwak, I said quack-quack, what a peculiar way to say hello, he must be foreign. He said no, his name is Dr Kwak and told me my daddy said he was to look after me for a loooong time. It did take a little while but I managed to teach him how poppa’s downbelow used to look after me which he seems to enjoy. He likes me to wear the shiny black onsey every now and again which makes me feel nice and glowy all over.
“I asked him once if there were any lowers in NK but I could tell he didn’t understand, he just said “ugh”. I still don’t know what NK means, apparently I don’t need to know which is okay. I like it here, they give me something to help me sleep a lot. Sometimes I do feel rather worn out and a little bit hurty after I wake up, I don’t know why. Apart from that I have everything I need and they give me everything I want, just like daddy did and I don’t have to go out at all. In fact Dr Kwak and his lovely helpers – I think they’re like daddy’s downbelows – insist on me staying inside the walls, they are soooo protective. I know that if Dr Kwak allowed me to call daddy he would be very happy that I’m being looked after so well, but he says daddy mustn’t be distracted. They say I can’t call Bunnsy either but they did ask me for her address, so maybe she’ll be visiting me which would be so much fun! Dr Kwak is very good at looking after me, even better than my old favourite downbelow. I’m richer than ever, Dr Kwak tells me so. See, I’m not so stupid am I?”
At this point Dr Chihuahua’s report ended as the power of his bribes ran out and he had to smuggle himself and his tape across the border inside a donkey.
Evan Woods 